the evolution of a 30 somthing chick

conservation at home

futurebookstoreowner — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:24:16 +0000

So I am loving my new place and the villiage that I am living in. I live off the main drag, however the street next over is a dream to walk home from the train. It has the most quaint little cottage style houses , although there is one that is soo out of place large and bare. The thing that I like most about this walk home is that all of the houses have great gardens. Flowers and veggies growing everywhere. There is one houde that has a conservation at home sign out in the front. The other night when I was walking home I discovered the owners were sitting on the frint porch a lovely couple maybe mid 50″s eating theor dinner and relaxing with a glass of wine on the front porch. I watched them interact with eachother and my heart ws filled. These people truly loved eachother and were freinds. They loved the humble home that they had and their garden and were taking the time to enjoy it. That was it . That is exaclty what I want. Nothing big, infact it was just the oppisite. simple and calming. Peacefull filled with respect for eachother and the earth. I found what i want now I need to set my eye on the goal.

New Home

futurebookstoreowner — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 12:28:50 +0000

OK so I said in the last few posts that I would blog more often. However I should have said that after the move. I am moving in slowly this week and will be all done on saturday. Woot. Life is crazy but good. I am so greatful for all of you and will be updating the links in the next few days,

See you next week.

retail therepy

futurebookstoreowner — Thu, 29 May 2008 14:13:57 +0000

So last night I needed a little stress relief. Sometimes I like to wander aimlessly in shops. Often browsing but usually buying something. The other day I had gone to Homegoods. They didn’t have much then but I had seen a can opener that I decided to go back for (its pink) I went back to the store last night and low and behold Wednesday is markdown day at Homegoods. I had to restrain my self. However I ended up leaving with:

2 la cruset dishes price 5.00 each

a wicker basket price 5.00

a giant porcelain teapot 5.00

a old fashioned white water or milk pitcher 3.00

pack of Michael kors socks 6.00

bargain heaven is so lovely.

However I cant seem to shake this funk. Maybe its a good thing. I have been reading at the request of my therapist. Healing the shame that binds you. It is amazing how reading this book is making the pieces fit togther. Everything as far as the healing process is happening so fast right now that it is a bit overwhelming. But for the first time in my life I am feeling as though Not everything is my fault. And am hopeful of the day when I will be able to be my true self.

As a survivor of abuse I cant tell you how much that follows you around. I wasn’t abused as a child but as a young adult. I was in a bad unhealthy relationship. However I feel more broken then ever. when you are in that situation you are in pure survival mode. you pack everything down. way down. Now that I am experiencing happiness, those feelings are rearing their ugly heads. It makes everything so raw and painful. And most of all present .

Try as I may I am unable to supress them anymore. I know that that is a good thing. I cant stop now. But it sucks.

Retail therepy helps:0

I think today I am going to buy a new bible. I think that I havent been reading it latley because the scriptures that I currently have are a reminder of my las tchurch and the hurt that comes from that.

new start new bible new me same Lord.

Sounds good to me:)

update part on memarvolusme:)

futurebookstoreowner — Wed, 28 May 2008 02:52:29 +0000

I have to tell you that it is so nice being back and feeling slightly normal. For my few regulars here is the skinny on what has been going on since the winter depression.

I am still loving being the private investigator. I have also been promoted to the lead Investigator/ Office manager. I love my job and I think that every single girl should work for three former Chicago Bears Its the bomb:)

I am moving at the beginning of next month into a new apartment . I wasn’t planning on moving until July but it all fell into place. I am a little rushed but it will be soooo nice to not have roommates for the first time in five years. Woo Hoo ( to all my former roommates I love you but who doesn’t love to dance around to music after their shower. ( fully robed of course)

I am going to therapy and loving it> It is emotional and trying but I think for the first time I am finding who I am and healing the little girl that was hurt. I think that when you get to the point where you cant stuff it all down anymore. It is like your mind spirit healing itself.

I am cultivating loving healthy relationships with my friends and hopefully my family.

I am making peace with myself.

I am letting it all out and I dont regret it:)

After I left Rick I clung to the church that I joined. I became lost and emersed in it. I have to tell you that is something in my life that is also changing. Going to church has been something that I have done all of my life. Something changed a while back. I joined the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints aka Mormons. Without saying anything bad because I believe that we all pray to the same God. I have taken a step back. I am lloking for something else. SOmething that will uplift me. Funny how since I have stepped back my Faith seems to be magnified. I feel as though I am on the right path.

I have been to a few churches in the area trying to find where I fit in. But I have to say that through this wonders internet world. I have discivered this site. http://withoutwax.tv/ I was led there through a wonderful woman who has touched my heart at this site http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. I feel blessed to have been led by the Lord to them and also by them back to the Lord. How amazing life san become when you just remember where you have come from and where you are going.

I feel so much Love right now in my life and I know that it is the Love of Christ. I needed to be reminded that because my Plan B wasnt working Neither for that matter was my plan A I had to turn it over to HIM. THe minute that I was humbled and brought to my knees I felt more love than I ever have.

I dont know where you pray or how you pray or who you pray to but imaginw what it will be like when you realize that just as much as we Adore him he Adores us . What a wonderful thought. TO know that I have millions of sisters and brothers that he adores makes me look a little diffrently at each and everyone of you. And for that I praise him.

I promise that I will be better about blogging because I cant wait to hear from all of you. New and old.

Have a awsome night and remember ALL is Well.

Much Love Kim

Im back and going green

futurebookstoreowner — Mon, 05 May 2008 14:03:55 +0000

Ok so I am sorry that I have been away for so long. I have just been working on myself and discovering alot. I will be catching everyone up over the next few posts. One thing that I have become passionate about is going green on a budget. It is so much fun and the changes that I have made have made me feel just awsome. I am thinking that I might do a consulting bussiness on the side to help other people. Any thoughts?

On another note please keep Faith and Holli in your prayers Faith is feeling a bit under the wather and they are not sure what is going on. www.baby-faith.com

Valentines day

futurebookstoreowner — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:46:14 +0000

I have a valentine today. I want to shout it from the roof tops. O I am not vesting a lot in it. I wont let myself. But I am happy with what it is and how it feels. Happy Valentines day everyone.

I wish you all love, if only for today.

I cant believe that I am goig there…..but…..

futurebookstoreowner — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 02:48:52 +0000

SO I hate to say it but I hate what the media had done to Britney. What they think that is appropriate behavior is asinine. I remember when she was just whole and beautiful. She gave up her child hood for purposes of entertaining the world. The majority of people have just turned to thinking that the poor child is crazy. She obviously has issues and needs help, but why has it taken this long. I am not a fan, but I am a human my heart is sad for her. I hope that she can find peace and heal and come out on top.

happy belated new year

futurebookstoreowner — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:17:34 +0000

So, I am sorry to say that this has been a long time coming. I think that I just needed to fet to a palce where I have something happy to blog about. Right now life is good, I got a promotion this week, found out that we are moving the office to the suburbs closer to my house and life is good. I mean dont get me wrong , I am trying to take off the lbs that I put on during my depression. I shop too much and I am trying to find a apartment. I love that I am discovering everyday a little more of who I am. I like shabby chic, Im trying to do the bedroom in that theme. I am heping plan my frieds wedding. Without getting depressed about not planning my own. I look forward to posting on a more regular basis. Ive missed all of my blogger friends while ive been away. I hope that this finds you all well. Well I m off to bed we are in a bit of a deep freeze here and I am loving my pjs robe slippers, and I’m reading the other Bolyn girl.

just a update

futurebookstoreowner — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 23:49:05 +0000

I am loving all of the elements involved in my new job. More later. Love kim

update

futurebookstoreowner — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 04:10:48 +0000

Ok so I need to update a little. I have been dealing and struggling with some depression. I have struggled with it my whole life but have really been OK the past 6 years. With recent events I went into myself and just protected what kept getting hurt. Rick ended up being well just being one more that hurt my heart. When I came back from Hawaii I took a nanny job in CT. The lady ended up being crazy. So lets review. I left Hawaii because I wasn’t having luck job wise. Tried to rekindle a old flame. It exploded in my face, or rather in my ear:) Took a job got screwed once more. Please don’t think that i am complaining. I had a crappy summer, it happens. I think that everything happens for a reason. I was in FL so that i could be helpful for Austin and Lily during the first shock of the divorce. I went to Nj to help a friend move so that she would know that she was loved. I moved to Hawaii to be there for Allison. To help her not be some homesick. I took a job in CT because I didn’t know what else to do. That is when it happened. The wall fell down on me.I was at my lowest. What was I to do. It seemed that everyone that had always been there couldn’t help because their life was chaotic. I understood but it also felt like i was constantly being rejected. I was alone. just me. hmm maybe someone was pushing so that i would have to help myself for once. There are those of us that are co dependant. We help other people to make us feel better but also to avoid our own problems. If we can fix everyone else then we take the back burner and hide ourselves in a big black hefty bag. We keep filling that bag with our crap until we cant fill it and hide it anymore. It spills out. I went through that spilling and spilling. I cried. I couldn’t stop crying. I sat on a public beach and cried. I lost it in walmart when I went there to wander aimlessly (tells you how bad I felt its usually target) and someone called me to complain about something stupid. Please don’t think that I am a bad friend but sometimes I don’t need to hear about everything. I got angry. Someone told me that I should stop saying that I was depressed. Maybe then I would feel better. Do not attempt to take depression away from someone. It might be the only thing that they have. Don’t get me wrong I know they were just trying to be help-full. Whatever., My point is that for the fist time in my life I stopped. I listened. To me. I stopped taking care of everyone else.I owned my depression and my heavey arms. and it felt good. Its is a slow process but I am learning to listen to my self. To discover what it is that I like. Not what other people think that I should like. So back to the update.

So I was offered a job based on someone that knew my work ethic. It is 9-5. It is commuting into Chicago by train. It is a new adventure. I am 31 and for the first time feel as though I have my first real job. I am making good money and loving the people that I work for and with.

I work for a detective agency. How cool is that ?

Life is truing around I smiled so much today it hurt, I felt giddy.

I have been given so much love lately by those close to me.

I need to apologize to those friends who’s life’s I have been absent from lately. I am sorry.

I am enjoying getting to know myself. Thank you for being patent.

Once upon a time,
a girl prayed for true love.
Her prayer was answered.
She learned to love herself.”

~ Monique Duvall, The Persistence of Yellow