update

Ok  so I need to update a little. I have been dealing and struggling with some depression. I have struggled with it my whole life but have really been OK the past 6 years. With recent events I went into myself and just protected what kept getting hurt. Rick ended up being well just being one more that hurt my heart.  When I came back from Hawaii I took a nanny job in CT. The lady ended up being crazy. So lets review. I left Hawaii because I wasn’t having luck job wise. Tried to rekindle a old flame. It exploded in my face, or rather in my ear:) Took a job got screwed once more. Please don’t think that i am complaining. I had a crappy summer, it happens. I think that everything happens for a reason. I was in FL so that i could be helpful for Austin and Lily during the first shock of the divorce. I went to Nj to help a friend move so that she would know that she was loved. I moved to Hawaii to be there for Allison. To help her not be some homesick. I took a job in CT  because I didn’t know what else to do. That is when it happened. The wall fell down on me.I was at my lowest. What was I to do. It seemed that everyone that had always been there couldn’t help because their life was chaotic. I understood but it also felt like i was constantly being rejected. I was alone.  just me. hmm maybe someone was pushing so that i would have to help myself for once. There are those of us that are co dependant. We help other people to make us feel better but also to avoid our own problems. If we can fix everyone else then we take the back burner and hide ourselves in a big black hefty bag. We keep filling that bag with our crap until we cant fill it and hide it anymore. It spills out.  I went through that spilling and spilling. I cried. I couldn’t stop crying. I sat on a public beach and cried. I lost it in walmart when I went there to wander aimlessly (tells you how bad I felt its usually target) and someone called me to complain about something stupid. Please don’t think that I am a bad friend but sometimes I don’t need to hear about everything. I got angry. Someone told me that I should stop saying that I was depressed. Maybe then I would feel better. Do not attempt to take depression away from someone. It might be the only thing that they have. Don’t get me wrong I know they were just trying to be help-full. Whatever.,  My point is that for the fist time in my life I stopped.  I listened. To me. I stopped taking care of everyone else.I owned my depression and my heavey arms. and it felt good.  Its is a slow process but I am learning to listen to my self. To discover what it is that I like. Not what other people think that I should like. So back to the update.

So I was offered a job based on someone that knew my work ethic. It is 9-5. It is commuting into Chicago by train. It is a new adventure. I am 31 and for the first time feel as though I have my first real job. I am making good money and loving the people that I work for and with.

I work for a detective agency. How cool is that ?

Life is truing around I smiled so much today it hurt, I felt giddy.

I have been given so much love lately by those close to me.

I need to apologize to those friends who’s life’s I have been absent from lately. I am sorry.   

I am enjoying getting to know myself. Thank you for being patent.

Once upon a time,
a girl prayed for true love.
Her prayer was answered.
She learned to love herself.”

~ Monique Duvall, The Persistence of Yellow